May 7, 2013

Funky Funk

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 8:00 pm by Debbie

Lately I’ve been in a funk. A funky funk. I’m not necessarily depressed. Just not myself. I’m not sure what name to give the funk. If I had to guess I’d say its name is grief. I’ll call it the Grief Funk.

I do alright during the day. Then when I get home, I’m tired. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to work on the house. I don’t want to mess with any of my hobbies. I focus my eyes to the TV or fumble with my phone and my favorite games. Hey now, don’t knock the whole games-on-the-phone thing until you’ve played What’s The Phrase, Words With Friends or Scramble. Serious waste-of-time fun.

But I’m not doing anything. I’m fiddling. I’m passing time. I’m not living. I feel like I’m on a ride through numbness. And Grief Funk won’t let me stop the ride to get off.

I think I’m smarter than that. And I think I’m also stronger than that. And I’m certain that I’m much more stubborn and bull-headed than that, not to mention slightly used to getting my way. Yes, just slightly.

So I decided to create a new goal for myself. I have to do something productive every evening. It can be anything, as long as it appears to the sane part of my brain to be productive. Last night I went to a friend’s house for dinner. Tonight I wrote a thank you card, activated my new bank cards and took out the trash. And here I am now, writing again.

I’ve pictured myself standing with squared shoulders, defiant eyes and set jaw and saying to Grief Funk, “Screw you.”

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2 Comments »

  1. tomatographics said,

    Yep. I remember this cycle. Some days I’m still in it. In the months after Ken died, my core group of friends called me every day. One things we regularly did was make a list of three things I would try to accomplish that day. Taking out the trash was on my lists, too, along with demanding tasks such as “brush the dogs”, and “buy milk”. It kept me going.

    I’m still battling that flat, dull feeling. It’s shows up less often, but it still lands heavily on my head some days. The list helps, but if you don’t have it in you to complete those measly tasks, go easy on yourself. Try again tomorrow.

    The 2nd anniversary of Ken’s death is coming up in June. My thoughts go from wanting to go to Mexico (where he died), take a road trip, go to Colombia, move to Ecuador, retire, work on my house, don’t work on my house, go back to Turkey. You get it. I want to run away, but there’s no place to go, really. This is my new life. That’s my new task. Live my life as it is. That’s the next challenge.

    The Somewhat Merry Widows carry on!

  2. Liz Mull said,

    You’re a tough chick. I take my hat off to you. I like to think I’m tough, that I can handle whatever life sends my way but we don’t know until we’re tested. I pray I’m never tested. Hugs to you.


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